Reviews by J Luoma

In fact, technically this is not a remake. I must admit that the original MBV is among my favourite horror movies for its sheer originality and genuine atmosphere. The so-called remake is like a version of Einstein's theory of relativity brought forth by someone having soccer as his or hers major. Nothing aganist soccer, but the point is that it might help to actually get familiar with the genre before trying to make films in that genre. Without a crystal ball I see... Halloween, Haute Tension... and VERY little of My Bloody Valentine! C'mon, you had a perfect script, why spoil it!! The 3D effects are lame and I don't understand the wonder of watching a film without proper colour. 3d is stupid.

A pointless effort starring Ray Danton better remembered as the serial rapist in The Beat Generation (1959) or the gangster Jack Diamond in The Rise and Fall of Legs Diamond (1960). The Spanish-Italian-West-German collaboration was shot in South America, and Ray is looking well-groomed and the acting is wooden. An interesting scene is where Mister Anderson (Ray) arrives at a village cottage carrying a similar back bag to that in The First Blood! What if Rambo had also, instead of having been harrassed by the local sheriff, seen the eye-catching carousel... The score is, in the beginning, promising, but tends to turn into tediousness. The action takes place at 1 hours 22 secs and last for a few minutes. Other than that it is all-too-prudish and long dialog going on... and the mercs can't even smoke their cigars properly. Do avoid this pile of turd, and turn, instead, to another Last Mercenary title: Rolf aka Last Mercenary (1983) directed by the iconoclastic Mario Siciliano.

A Van Damme title that thematically competes with the Last Temptations of Christ, although it is not - quality-wise - in the same sphere. The plot is useless, the settings are magnificent (the concentration camp atmosphere you just cannot create with fake settings!), the score seems out of place. There is a lot of repetition, especially the moth as angel sequence that becomes tiresome after the first one. Ringo Lam directs with a gusto a film that should have not been made. Although the beard and the scruffy look of the main character going mad collect a few scattered points. Lawrence Taylor's performance and some of the f/x, especially biting through the neck in a fight sequence, save a bundle of an otherwise hopeless case.

For the sheer promise of completion, a video nasty collector needs to suffer through this piece of garbage. This has to be the WORST 'nasty' and watching this will make you believe that it is actually a pretty important job to ban these movies... If you are not a video nasty completist, forget it.

A bare-bones release of a bare-bones film. A lot of effort and enthusiasm obviously, but the outcome: complicated plottings, no-one can understand what's going on here without a degree in astrophysics. Too bad the outcome is as bad as this, although some think this is Dolph's better movies. I don't. Although, let's be fair, the f/x are pretty neat, especially the lethal flying cd's, and the very beginning of the film: "He killed my fuckin' partner!!" but after that it just gets lame... Full of clichees to the point of absurdity. But not bad enough!

The main problem with this "video nasty" is that it is so amateurish in all possible ways that you can't believe it! The central plot consists of a bunch of irritating people walking endlessly in the local woods, one of them being perhaps even more irritating than the rest, a good ol' boy scout beardo lecturing on how you "must never go in the woods... alone", and the next thing he suggests is, when one of the guys disappears into the woods, he'll probably be alright and come back soon.

There are so many "passers-by" in the so-called backwoods that you wish you were back in some peaceful place such as New York!! The thing with these passers-by is that they literally are so, being slaughtered immediately, even before they have the chance to ask: "Who's there behind that bush?"

The only thing that is not amateurish in this mess of a film is the incredible gore (with the exception of the final scene that is), and if I were to give stars to the f/x, they would be much higher than what the film is worth.

The eventual feeling is a bit dizzy after so many panoramic, horizontal camera runs and such a dosage of mind-altering synth hell. But overall, I somewhat enjoyed the inspiration behind this. I have seen worse "fan" films, let's say Violent Shit by the dreary Andreas Schnaas. So, it all begs the question: "compared to... what?" Watch at your own risk.

A strange gem, The House of the Hidden Light by Arthur Machen, was first published in 1904 in only three copies. So the 2003 edition from the small press unit Tartarus Press can be called a First edition. According to Machen, the book was a signal code, a joke, but there seem to be hints of actual experimenting on the occult levels of the three-contact. The book is interesting throughout, and the printing and binding is well crafted as always with the Tartarus Press. The value of this book seems to be expounding.. Maybe one day Arthur Machen will be as appreciated as the Harry Potter glue-n-run novels.

OMG the f/x suck! I can't believe the advertisement: "The creators of ALIEN... ...bring a new terror to Earth." The plot in itself, I think, is pretty damn inventive.

Essential reference book to the actual video nasties on video, including all the covers. I just wish all the covers were in full size... Highly recommended, nevertheless!

+ the score, absolutely brilliant
+ the cinematography and pacing, a very "mature" direction from mr. Fulci
+ great actress
- too much stagnation and dull dialogue
- boring plot, although it could have been very intriguing
- the gore overrated, "first time uncut in America", duh...